5 steps to confront a person who hurt you, if you are a caring person

I’ve always been a person who internalizes everything, who keeps things to herself, even if it was hurting me and causing me pain. You know that it eats you alive.

As a child and teenager the people around me thought me that what I had to say was not important, that my opinions didn’t matter. And if I did share what was on my mind, I got punished some way or the other.

As an empath (a.k.a. a caring person) I could always reason and understand why the other person treated me a certain way, and why they did what they did. I still do.

My own power was taken away from me and I didn’t even realize that I was giving the rest of it away as well. I had no idea how to stand in my power. I let people walk all over me, because I understood where they are coming from. And I was scared to speak up for myself.

Today I am thankful to see how those experiences have shaped me, but they are not defining me anymore. Finally I am able to step back and know that these are stories written for me by others, which are not true. They are mere files that have been stored in my unconsciousness. They are not the truth, not my truth.

But it’s an everyday practice to live your truth. When challenges arise that I need to stand in my power and let my voice be heard, fear enters my body, and I go back to my “empath-mode”. Because I understand the other person. But what about me? What about how I feel?

It is time for us to take back our power, to stand more in our power. It is our birthright. Step by step we will get there.

Unfortunately most people don’t have the gift to step in another person’s world. Many people’s brains are not wired that way, and they are just not capable.

So how do I deal with a situation where you feel wronged by someone who is totally unconscious of how he/she made you feel? Or maybe this person was totally conscious, and you need to get it out to let it go. Remember, this is about YOU, not about the other person.

These are my 5 steps (that I try to follow):

    1) I give myself space. I take time to observe all thoughts and all emotions that arise. Everything is okay.

    2) When I feel clarity and more grounded I ask myself if I want to say something to that person. My first reaction is usually no, because I can understand that person. If I say no, I ask myself if I could let this situation go without having any grudges. If yes, I let it go. If no, I give myself some space again.

    3) If I decide to confront the person, know that your main reason needs to be for YOU to get this out of your system and be able to let it go. I ask myself if there is any other desired outcome I would like. Do I want an apology; would I want that person to do something? And if the person doesn’t do that, will I be okay with that? If the conversation goes haywire, will you be okay with that? You will need to be okay with any outcome, because it is possible that this person is just an asshole who laughs at your face. You need to do it for you.

    4) Before you talk to the person, take some time to explore what it is you want to say. It is always best to start sharing something about your past, so that person understands where you are coming from (e.g. a moment that caused you hurt / pain). Continue by sharing how this particular situation made you feel and share how it has affected you. Cry if you need to. But try to stay clear of blaming the person, using words that might offend the person, or bring other situations in that have nothing to do with this situation.
    Be aware that the chances are big that the other person starts being defensive, says offensive things, or doesn’t even understand where you are coming from. Just keep your focus to why you are having this talk, keep calm and steer the conversation back to the person. It helps to mention something that you appreciate the person for.

    5) However the conversation ends, know that this has been a step for you to stand more in your own power. It is your birthright to live your best life, free of things that block you. You can be proud that you are cultivating YOUR space, YOUR energy, YOUR mind/body/soul.

I know all too well that it’s fucking scary to be this vulnerable, but vulnerability is one of the steps into standing in your power. Practice it whenever you can, practice does make perfect!

p.s. I just practiced this today with my ex-manager who fired me by a general e-mail after teaching my yoga classes for 11 years, so yeah.

If you have any other tips that you want to share, please do. We are all on this journey together and I am happy to get new tools myself.

X

Author: Emmely Jacobs

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  • It is as if it is about myself….. I had the same bad experiences in my youth and in my teenagers and still now…..
    And I would like it so much if it wouldn’t hurt me anymore….
    But even now, it still hurts me, and sometimes it takes me days to come over it…..
    So, I am so thankfull that you share your feelings with us, and help us to learn to stay in our own power…..
    Thank you, thank you, for your tools!! I’m going to use them, when I need them….
    XX love Marjon

    • Thanks for sharing Marjon! You are very welcome! Just know that YOU are in charge of yourself. We don’t have control over others but it’s a blessing that we ourselves can do something about it, and practice makes perfect. It gets better and better! And the way you are working on it, you are truly standing in your own power! Sending love, Emmely

  • Hi Emmely,
    Good to read you’re finding peace with even the manager that fired you. I think the Mullerpier will not be the same without you! Your advise to take space and time, to observe and think things through works good for me. I use meditation to let it sink in and somehow the work is done by itself. Love to talk about it with you someday.
    Love Marilene

    • Thank you for your words Marilene! Yes meditation gives a lot of that good space, yoga and meditation are my go-to places if I need answers, and as you say it does work magically. And YES, happy to meet with you soon!! X Emmely